


Atrophy

by RobotSquid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-11
Updated: 2012-03-11
Packaged: 2017-11-01 19:05:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/360207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobotSquid/pseuds/RobotSquid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chapters 13 and 14 of "Host" from Karkat's POV.</p><p>The worst part is that he can't do anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Atrophy

**Author's Note:**

> "Host" and the context for this story available here:  http://archiveofourown.org/works/279418/chapters/443956
> 
> Take note of the warnings and bring tissues!

Fighting off Crabdad every time Karkat wanted a snack was beginning to get old, fast. A quick smack on the nose with his sickle normally got his lusus to shut up, but still, he’d rather just not be bothered whenever he got hungry.

Cursing under his breath, he stomped back up the stairs with his already half-finished drink in his hand. As soon as he reentered his respiteblock, he heard the repeated dings of several Trollian messages being sent at once. Karkat glared at his husktop from across the room. Well, if whoever was talking to him was so fucking needy, they could stand to learn a little patience, now couldn’t they?

So he stood there, sipping the last remains of his drink through his straw as slowly as possible before even walking back over to the computer. He took his time minimizing the browser windows and waited for the dinging messages to let up for just a damn second. When it seemed that whoever was bothering had stopped assaulting their enter key, Karkat opened the messenger window.

He felt his heart stop.

All these messages were from Sollux. Shit, he hadn’t even _heard_ from that asshole for almost two days now! Where did he get the nerve to message him now? Karkat grit his teeth, unable to name the source of his anger, and he pounded a response into the text window before reading any of the other messages.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK.

He huffed angrily. Fucking Sollux and Feferi. They were so insufferable together. The way Sollux had picked up her fish puns was absolutely nauseating. Karkat would have a good time tearing him down for this; he was certain that they must have been pailing on the beach this whole time.

CG: HAVE YOU AND FEFERI BEEN FILLING LIKE A MILLION FUCKING BUCKETS OR SOMETHING  
CG: WHERE IN THE SHIT HAVE YOU BEEN  
CG: ERIDAN HASN’T SEEN FEFERI IN LIKE A DAY OR SOMETHING SO HE’S BEEN FUCKING BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF ME ABOUT IT. ALSO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT YOU NOT BEING AT YOUR HIVE BUT HOW HE KNOWS THAT IS SOMETHING I REALLY DON’T CARE TO DELVE INTO.

There. Talking about Eridan’s black crush for him always got a rise out of Sollux. Oh, this beatdown was going to be merciless. It was Sollux’s own fault for going missing for so long. It wasn’t as though he had friends that _might_ want to be sure he was still fucking alive. Karkat scoffed and sat back, waiting for the response and inevitable bitchfit Sollux was about to throw his way.

TA: holy 2hiit  
TA: holy 2hiit kk thii2 ii2 for real?

Karkat frowned. Okay…that wasn’t what he’d expected. His eyes drifted up to the last message Sollux had written before Karkat had started going off on him.

_TA: ii really mii22 you_

Karkat felt his heart stop, and he began scrolling up frantically, reading the rest of the messages.

What…the _fuck_ was this? Something was wrong. Something was really wrong. He felt his mouth dry out and his chest grow tight and cold.

CG: UM.

It was the only thing he could think to type. His head was spinning as a million worst-case scenarios popped into his head. Fuck, Sollux had really done it this time, hadn’t he? He’d gotten himself into something he didn’t know how to get out of. Where the fuck was Feferi? Why wasn’t she helping him? What kind of fucking matesprit was she, why was this happening?

Why hadn’t Karkat known about it?

He scrolled back down, his eyes greeted with another line of frantic yellow text.

TA: okay ii know you won’t under2tand thii2 but ii can’t fuckiing beliieve you’re really replyiing two thii2  
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?  
CG: HAVE YOU LOST FLUID IN YOUR THINK PAN OR SOMETHING?  
TA: okay kk  
TA: ii need two tell you 2omethiing  
TA: and you can’t fliip out  
CG: UM…OKAY.  
TA: feferii’2

There was a pause. Karkat didn’t feel anything; his entire body had gone numb. There were no sounds past the clicking of the keys on his husktop, no colors or visions past the yellow text on the screen that told him his friend was still alive. He didn’t know what to think, what to say. He feared the worst…but the worst was something he could barely give a name to. The feeling he had was beyond awful. Beyond terrible. He could have been sick right there, right at his desk.

CG: WHAT, SOLLUX?  
CG: YOU’RE KIND OF FREAKING ME OUT.

That was a stupid fucking thing to say. Let’s worry Sollux now. Nice going. Karkat ran one hand frantically through his hair, sweat beading at the back of his neck. _Fuck, Sollux, answer me, answer me, come on…._

TA: feferii’2 dead

 _Holy shit. Holy shit, oh my god, oh god…._ Karkat swallowed hard. Despite the drink from earlier his entire mouth was dry. His throat was dry. His stomach was hollowed out, a sick pit of nauseating worry.

And panic.

TA: iit wa2 my fault  
TA: ii diidn’t protect her. ii diidn’t do anythiing at all really  
TA: but iit happened 2o fa2t and by the tiime ii really proce22ed iit

Another pause. Karkat beat his fist on the table.

TA: ju2t tell eriidan ii’m 2orry  
TA: for fuckiing up at beiing her mate2priit  
CG: HOLY SHIT.

Karkat’s fingers were on the keyboard instantly. “Holy shit, holy shit…” he whispered breathlessly. This couldn’t be happening. This really _fucking_ could _NOT_ be happening.

CG: IS THIS A JOKE? FEFERI’S REALLY DEAD? WHAT HAPPENED?  
TA: she was  
TA: she was murdered

Karkat felt his stomach lurch. He took a deep breath, biting back the taste of bile that permeated his exhalations.

CG: BY FUCKING WHO???

Who in the motherfuck would kill _Feferi_?! Holy she was annoying as hell but really, to _murder_ her?

CG: AND WHERE DID YOUR DUMBASS 2’S GO?

He wished he could take it back as soon as he typed it. Guilt clawed at him and he cringed, punching himself on the side of the head. What a stupid, vapid thing to point out, it didn’t even matter, it didn’t matter, all that mattered was….

TA: it hurts to type  
TA: my hand doesn’t feel good i can’t put in the extra effort right now  
CG: SOLLUX REALLY I’M A LITTLE WORRIED NOW  
CG: STOP WORRYING ME YOU FUCKING DUMBASS AND TELL ME WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE AND WHAT’S GOING ON  
TA: it doesn’t matter where i am  
TA: i’m pretty sure i can’t get home again  
TA: i think the only way out is to do something drastic  
TA: so don’t worry about me anymore  
TA: i’ll be okay

 _No. No, no, no, no, FUCK!_ Karkat slammed both his fists on the table, screaming a curse, head bent down over the keyboard. There was no way Sollux would joke about this. Not even Sollux was that much of an asshole. No, this was fucking real, this was happening, and it wasn’t fair, Karkat was in his hive and he’d just gotten himself a snack and seen his lusus, and Sollux was god knew where all by himself, injured and probably dying and fuck, what the hell was he even _talking_ about!?

CG: SOLLUX.

Karkat breathed in deep, fighting back panicked tears.

TA: what  
CG: CAN YOU TURN ON YOUR VIEWPORT FOR ME?  
TA: no

Another pause. Karkat felt like screaming.

TA: i can’t deal with that right now i’m sorry  
CG: YEAH WELL I CAN’T DEAL WITH YOUR VAGUE BULLSHIT  
CG: PLEASE?  
TA: what do you expect to see  
CG: I EXPECT TO SEE

Karkat stopped in the middle of typing. Shit, he didn’t even know what to say.

CG: THAT YOU’RE OKAY AND YOU’RE ALIVE  
TA: …fine.

Karkat leaned forward in his chair, waiting for the viewport screen to pop up, the seconds dragging by with each moment the Trollian window did not change. His heart leapt as the black screen finally popped up, and it was immediately inhabited by the face of his friend.

Karkat almost didn’t believe what he was seeing. The lighting was absolute shit wherever Sollux was, and he seemed so…tired. One of his horns was cracked right in the center, and the sight of it made Karkat’s skin crawl and his own horn throb with sympathetic pain. Sollux’s face was paler than usual and there were huge, dark bags under his eyes, and there was a dried scab of yellow blood on his forehead…Karkat’s eyes darted back and forth across Sollux’s face, taking it all in, soaking up every last detail of this.

Sollux tried to smile, but it was so small, so small…and then he just stopped trying. Karkat felt his heart sink and crack.

“Sollux,” he said, struggling to keep his voice steady. He couldn’t flip out. That’d only upset Sollux…and fuck, he looked so fragile right now , was this really his same Sollux? “What…the fuck happened to you?”

“I’m sorry,” was all Sollux said. It broke Karkat’s heart to hear him say that.

“…Where the hell are your glasses? What the _fuck_ happened to your horn?”

Sollux began to laugh, his voice sounding unhinged, and he wiped at his eyes. “I, uh…I lost my glasses. And my horn…my horn…got broken.” The laughter died away. “…She broke it.”

“Who,” Karkat said, not even phrasing it as a question. Sollux wasn’t looking at him; he didn’t say anything. Karkat couldn’t hold back his rage any more. “Who the _fuck_ did that to you, Sollux?!”

It was somebody’s fault. Somewhere, somewhere close, there was a troll who had dared to put their fucking hands on Sollux and _hurt him_. Karkat grit his teeth tighter, his jaw becoming sore. Whoever it was, whoever the bulgesucking godforsaken _motherfucker_ was, Karkat had never hated anyone more.

And yet it didn’t come close to the hatred he felt for himself, for not being there.

“It doesn’t matter,” Sollux whispered in response. “It really doesn’t matter.” God his voice was so small. It sounded like he was afraid to speak.

“It does to me. Sollux….” Karkat deflated a bit. No, this wasn’t the time for anger. He could rage and throw fits and kill shit later. Right now…right now Sollux needed…a different Karkat.

“I’m sorry.” Why did he keep saying that? “Don’t worry about me. I just wanted to say…well, like…I just wanted to talk to you again. I don’t even remember the last conversation we had. I wanted to make sure that…I remember this one.”

Karkat was about to explode again, but his energy abandoned him. Instead, he sighed, rubbing the back of his head. He didn’t know what they had talked about last. He couldn’t remember either. “We were arguing,” he said, making up something likely. “Like usual. I’m sure we decided we weren’t friends anymore for like the fifth fucking billionth time. I’m sure it was something really fucking stupid. I don’t remember.”

He hated that it was the only answer he had to give, but he was rewarded for his efforts by another smile from Sollux. Fuck, it just looked so _broken_ though…what the hell had been happening to Sollux all this time? What hell had he been going through while Karkat sat at home, safe and comfortable and oblivious and…useless?

“Hey,” Sollux piped up. “Do you remember…we were like five sweeps old or something. We were moirails for like…half a sweep or something. Do you remember?”

Karkat’s eyes widened. Shit, why did he have to go bring up _that_ tragedy? Like Karkat needed another reminder of his failure…like he needed another bullet point in the list of why he was the worst moirail, the worst friend, the worst _everything_ to Sollux.

“…Yeah. I remember. What about it?” He tried not to sound snippy. “It was fucking horrible.”

It felt like an awful thing to say, but as far as Karkat was concerned, it was true. They never could have been good moirails for each other, not now or ten sweeps from now. What they did for each other, what they needed from each other…the pale quadrant just couldn’t give it to them. Karkat didn’t know if what they were could be defined in quadrant terms at all. He felt embarrassed and humiliated for his past self every time he remembered that utter trainwreck of a relationship. It had almost ruined them.

Even though Sollux had been the one to end it, Karkat suspected his reasons weren’t the same. Sollux was always fucking blaming himself for every little bit of bad luck in his life. Everything, _everything_ was Sollux’s fault, according to him. Just because pale feelings weren’t right for them, even though moirallegiance never had or could have worked…it didn’t mean Sollux was the one ruining it. It was on both of them. Sollux never accepted that, for one reason or another.

As for why Sollux was bringing it up now, fuck knew. Now he was going on about Gamzee being Karkat’s new moirail and some shit, and this was just all so pointless, and not helping anything at all….

“Okay stop.” Karkat held up one hand. “Shut the fuck up. Tell me. From the fucking beginning. What happened.”

Sollux deflated, taking in a deep breath. He breathed out, and it was quivering. “You’re gonna think I’m a fucking wriggler.”

“No. I won’t,” Karkat said as firmly as he could manage. “Tell me, Sollux. I’ll listen.”

“…It’s the Empress.”

Everything stopped. Karkat’s eyes widened, and the whole world froze. Shit, this was…much worse than he’d thought. Much, _much_ fucking worse. His brain didn’t even have an emotion sufficient enough to react to this. This was just…beyond _anything_ …beyond anything even remotely within Karkat’s power to change in the slightest.

So he stayed quiet, and he listened as Sollux’s story came tumbling out of him. The Battleship Condescension had crashed on the beach where Sollux and Feferi were having their date…where they were just sitting, bothering nobody, unable to be in any worse of a place at any worse of a time. Feferi had died…killed by the Empress personally. Karkat had always known she was in danger of that, but…it was just one of those things that never seemed like it was real.

Sollux was crying now, unable to hold anything back, but Karkat said nothing. He just let him talk. Let him do and say and tell him as much or little as he wanted. He mentioned something about mind honey. His own psionics weren’t strong enough to do anything against her. Sollux was the best fucking psionic troll Karkat knew, but he was still a child compared to the Empress, a fully grown seatroll. Karkat didn’t want to understand it, didn’t want to admit that it was probably the best way…he didn’t want anything, except for Sollux to be back home. He didn’t want anything but for his friend to be okay again, for this to just fucking _not_ be happening.

In the middle of his sentence, Sollux broke off as a faint noise sounded from somewhere unseen. He whipped his head around, blood draining from his face and his breaths coming faster. All of Sollux’s energy flooded back into him, in the form of raw, burning panic.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck SHIT SHIT!” Sollux breathed more than said. “Motherfuck, motherfuck, Karkat….” His voice was breaking down and failing, the words breaking up into brittle snippets of sound.

“What, what’s happening?” Karkat’s own heart was racing, and before he knew it he was on his feet, leaning into the screen as if he could transport himself to that spot.

Sollux could hear something that Karkat couldn’t. Whatever computer he had rigged up had really shitty sound. One sharp _BANG_ of metal on metal filtered through. Sollux elicited a small whine and snatched up the husktop, pulling it close to his chest. There was some indiscernible motion, and when the picture focused again, there was even less light than before.

“Shit, she’s gonna find me, Karkat, she’s gonna find me,” Sollux whispered.

“Sollux,” Karkat said, steadying his voice. Somehow, it came easy, as if his brain had transcended panic and was now awash in calm, even thoughts. He was there, there with Sollux, and that was the only thing that mattered. “It’s all right. I’m right here, okay?”

“It’s not,” Sollux whimpered. Karkat heard the noises getting louder. He thought he could hear muffled screams. “It’s not, it’s not….”

“Hey, listen,” Karkat said, leaning further into the screen, closer to Sollux, anything he could to lessen the gap between them. It wasn’t much, but Sollux wasn’t fucking _alone_ right now; he had to make the yellowblood see that. This wasn’t the end. It couldn’t be. “Listen, Sollux. Whatever you have to do, fucking do it, all right? This isn’t you, okay? It’s seriously freaking me the fuck out to see you losing your shit right now, because you don’t ever do that. I don’t want to think about what she did to make you this way, but this isn’t you. This isn’t Sollux fucking Captor.”

“Karkat stop talking so _fucking_ loud.”

Sollux jumped as a deafening pounding started at a nearby door. He pulled the husktop closer. Karkat gnawed at the bottom of his lip, putting his hand against the screen, anything to have _some_ kind of contact with him, even if it was fake, even if the warmth Sollux felt was just an empty machine. Fuck, even if Karkat couldn’t touch him, couldn’t hold him, he was _not_ going to let this fucking happen. He would _not_ fucking allow reality to run this way.

“ _Sollux!!!_ ”

Karkat’s insides turned to ice at the sound of that voice. Fuck, that had been some kind of fucking demon for sure, that couldn’t be…couldn’t be _her_? No, no, NO, this was _not_ happening, there was no way Sollux was stuck there, was that the thing that had broken him so badly?

Sollux had pressed both his hands over his mouth to quiet his breathing, and he stared wordlessly at Karkat, pleading silently with him. Karkat nodded, understanding immediately, and silently gestured to Sollux that he was going to disable his microphone on this side. He clicked the mute button quietly, and gripped the edge of his table. Sollux kept his eyes focused on Karkat’s, and Karkat did not dare break the gaze. It was all he had left to give.

“Where did you go, my little Helmsman?” The Condesce. Something about her voice, so beautiful and melodic, was fucking bonechilling. “It’s so terribly _rude_ to leave your fucking matesprit without _saying anything!!_ ”

As the sounds of her fucking up the room came crashing through his speakers, Karkat’s mind latched onto one word: had she really just said ‘matesprit’?

“I wake up,” she continued, snarling, “after such a beautiful moment we shared, and you’ve _left_ me!! Do you think I fucking appreciate that!? That you treat me like some fucking whore that you can leave when you’re done?!”

“Oh my god, oh my fucking…oh god, SHIT!” Karkat rambled in the freedom of his silence. He felt himself really about to sick now. She’d done something to Sollux, something so much worse than Karkat knew how to fix, how had he not known this was happening to his friend, how had he possibly slept in the days since this all started when somewhere in the world Sollux had been….

Sollux was starting to break down. Karkat had never seen him—never seen anybody—so fucking terrified before.

Karkat tapped at the screen softly, catching Sollux’s attention again. As slowly and clearly as he could, he said, “Don’t panic.” He exaggerated the movement of his lips as much as possible so Sollux would understand. “It’s okay.”

Sollux only sniffled, staring at him, begging for help, pleading for Karkat to save him, to make this stop, to do anything to make this all go away…and Karkat couldn’t do a thing.

“Listen to me,” Karkat said, slower still. “You will come home. You will be okay.”

He was going to make that true. Fuck, if he had to claw at the fabric of reality itself, Karkat would make it true. There was just no other option. This _would not be_ the last time they spoke. Karkat would make absolute fucking certain of that.

_I’m going to save you. I don’t know how but I’m going to find you and I’m going to fucking save you. I’m not leaving you there. I’m coming to get you._

Something in the room changed. It went silent, and Sollux grabbed the husktop closer, whimpering louder and barely even attempting to stifle his noises anymore. “Go away go away go away…” he whispered. It was over.

She’d found him.

Frantically, Karkat opened a new message window on Trollian, clicking on Eridan’s trolltag.

\--carcinoGeneticist (CG) began trolling caligulasAquarium (CA)—

CG: ERIDAN  
CG: ERIDAN FUCKING ANSWER ME  
CG: ERIDAN I SWEAR TO GOD ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT  
CA: holy shit kar wwhats wwrong  
CG: YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.  
CG: PLEASE PLEASE YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.  
CA: wwhat  
CA: kar calm dowwn talk to me

On the other screen, Karkat heard a shriek as Sollux screamed out his name. “ _Fuck!!_ ” he shouted, as the husktop on Sollux’s side flipped over, the screen completely dark. The sounds of the Empress’s voice told Karkat that the connection was still going.

CG: FUCK  
CG: ERIDAN FUCK I DON’T EVEN  
CG: FUCK ME SOLLUX IS HURT  
CG: HE’S IN TROUBLE  
CG: ERIDAN SHIT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO YOU HAVE TO HELP  
CA: wwhoa  
CA: you actually heard from him?  
CA: wwhat do you mean hes hurt? wwheres fef?  
CG: FUCK I DON’T

Karkat heard the Empress screaming and Sollux crying out as she hit him, over and over and fucking over….

“ _Fucking_ …that bitch that bitch STOP IT!” Karkat shouted, briefly throwing his hands over his ears. More sounds of indeterminate crashing and screaming came through the speakers. The black screen was taunting him, the noises digging into his heart and his head, this was happening right now, Sollux was getting hurt _right this fucking second_ and Karkat couldn’t do a motherfucking thing.

CG: GOD  
CG: DAMN IT!!  
CG: THIS BITCH SHE’S KILLING HIM SHE’S FUCKING KILLING HIM  
CG: ERIDAN PLEASE  
CA: kar i cant vvery wwell help you if you dont calm your fuckin tits  
CA: try to relax a second. wwhats goin on?  
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU, ERIDAN  
CG: ALL I KNOW IS THAT RIGHT THIS SECOND I’M LISTENING TO THE SOUNDS OF MY BEST FRIEND GETTING HIS FUCKING FACE BEAT IN BY HER IMPERIOUS FUCKING CONDESCENSION  
CG: RIGHT THIS MOTHERFUCKING SECOND I’M HEARING THAT, ERIDAN  
CG: THIS IS NOT A MOTHERGRUBFUCKING JOKE.  
CA: …holy shit kar

Karkat wanted to scream with rage as he heard Sollux screaming out his name again, his frantic voice laced with tears and the kind of panic that no troll should ever have to feel. Karkat hated himself right then, more than he ever had, because he was ignoring him. Because his _only choice_ was to ignore him. Sollux’s scream became muffled, and they faded, and a door closed, and then there was nothing.

Karkat wiped his eyes. His entire face was drenched with tears, and he hadn’t even realized.

CG: ERIDAN PLEASE.  
CG: COME TO MY HIVE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.  
CG: SHE’S GOING TO HURT HIM AGAIN, RIGHT NOW SHE’S GOING TO HURT HIM.  
CA: okay  
CA: dont wworry kar just try to calm dowwn  
CA: im comin okay? im actually gonna head ovver right noww  
CA: just explain to me wwhat the fuck youre goin on about wwhile i make my wway ovver  
CG: OKAY  
CG: OKAY.

Karkat collapsed in his chair, his legs giving out, and he stared at the blank, black screen that had once held the face of his friend. He resisted an overwhelming urge to completely flip his desk over, destroy his husktop because all it had done was show him once again how powerless and useless he was. He settled with turning to the side and punching a shallow hole in the wall of his respiteblock, ignoring the pain that ran up his arm.

_What is she doing? What the fuck is she doing to you RIGHT NOW, Sollux? God I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, if I had just…if I had…._

CG: …FUCK. ERIDAN I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN FIX THIS.


End file.
